Exposure
by Laney1718
Summary: "I wasn't talking about the hologram, Kathryn," A scene depicting what we all hoped/thought would happen during the episode Persistence of Vision.
1. Chapter 1

She moved quickly from the bridge to the turbolift. She was determined to figure out exactly what the hell was going on with her crew no matter what the cost. It was her job to protect them, to get them home safely. She entered and as she turned to face the now-closed doors, she saw him.

'Oh please, not him too!' she thought.

She ran her eyes over his body. He was standing completely still, his eyes straight ahead, unblinking. She gave in to the hopelessness for only a moment. There was her rock, her sounding board, her guidance, and he was taken from her in this time of need.

"Deck eleven!" she commanded in abject frustration.

"Now, maybe you have time to talk to me," The voice sent a shiver down her spine. She had longed to hear him, touch him, kiss him, but this was not Mark. She had to repeat the mantra in her head 'This isn't real. He isn't real'. But he sounded so much like the man she had loved, she could even smell the sweet scent of his cologne which made it all the more difficult to deny him as reality.

"You're so strong, Kath. That's one of the things I always loved in you," he said.

She knew he was behind her, but refused to look back, she kept her eyes straight ahead, not wanting to see his face, not wanting to feel any more pain.

He took a few steps toward her and she felt his breath on her neck, in the spot where he knew she was sensitive. Her stomach churned as he grew closer, and by instinct, she pushed him away forcefully, still keeping her eyes ahead.

"What's the matter? You used to love it when I kissed you there," he spoke as if he were hurt by her immediate rejection, something that caused a pang of sadness in her heart.

'No' she said to herself, 'You can't let him get to you, be strong...be the captain,'.

"I don't know who you are, what you are, but I won't let you touch me," She said with anger and hurt coating each word.

"You touch him Kath, but you won't touch me? I'm your fiance, not him. But you want him to touch you, don't you?"

"Lord Burleigh is a fictional character; he-"

"I wasn't talking about the hologram, Kathryn," he said in a venomous tone.

She finally looked into his eyes with tears in her own.

"I haven't been unfaithful," she said.

"Not yet, but it's only a matter of time,"

"There's no one else Mark, no one-"

"Tell that to him," he said nodding towards Chakotay who remained in his trance.

She turned to face Mark completely.

"Chakotay and I are friends, nothing more," she said.

"But you want it to be more Kath. You think of him not me at night in your dreams, it's his arms around you, his lips on yours, his hands feeling your delicate pale skin,"

"No," she shook her head as a tear managed to slip down her cheek.

"Admit it, Kath, you have feelings for him,"

"I-" she stuttered and looked up into his eyes.

She was about to say something more, defend her actions, but before she could speak she felt someone come up from behind her and kiss her neck in the same spot that Mark had tried to. She moaned involuntarily and then jumped to face whoever it was behind her.

"Chakotay," she whispered in shock, having just seen him stuck in a trance moments ago.

"Admit it, Kathryn, you feel it too. This undeniable attraction, and more...something even deeper than lust. You're falling for me just as I am for you,"

She turned her head back to look at Mark, but he had disappeared.

"He's gone. You shouldn't feel guilty, he's seventy thousand lightyears away. He won't ever know," he walked closer to her as she backed away until she was pinned against the wall.

"All you have to do is say the word and I'll stop," he moved his lips closer to her until she could feel his hot breath on her skin, the sensation sending a wave of arousal through her body.

His lips grazed hers.

"Tell me to stop, Kathryn," he whispered.

She looked into his eyes and without a second of hesitation closed what little space was left between them.

His lips enveloped hers in a deep and passionate kiss which lit her body ablaze with the desire she had too long kept locked away.

Sirens and flashing red lights went off in her mind that this was wrong but one flick of his tongue across her lips and they were silenced.

His hands traveled the contours of her body, one stopping at her left breast and running a thumb across her nipple which could be felt even through the thickness of her jacket.

His hands traveled behind her to lift her up and allow her to wrap her legs around his waist. They stayed like this for a while, or perhaps only a few seconds. Time stood still and flew by all at once while she was in his arms. His lips were intoxicating, the feel, the taste; it consumed her.

He lowered her feet back down as his hands frantically worked her jacket off. She moaned in annoyance when he separated their lips so he could pull her shirt over her head, the tank joining it. She was left only in a black lace bra, smirking as she noticed his approving stare.

This time, she chose to jump back up into his arms, her legs once again wrapped around his waist as their lips joined with intensity.

She was so lost in him that she almost hadn't heard it, that faint crackle from her badge. Suddenly a voice came through.

"Kes to the captain,"

The blood in Kathryn's veins ran cold as she felt herself being lowered and she began to open her eyes, expecting to see nothing, now knowing that this had only been a hallucination and it was over.

"If you can hear me please report to engineering," she heard the soft tone as it faded out.

She fully opened her eyes and much to her shock, he was still there, breathless and looking at her with a mixture of confusion and lingering arousal.

"Oh my god," she whispered, and then looked down to see her state of undress. Chakotay also took notice of this and immediately turned around to give her some privacy.

She covered herself with her arm and frantically picked her clothes off the floor to put it back on.

Once fully clothed, she commanded the turbolift to engineering. Not a word was spoken between them, but the tension was palpable. Right before they reached their destination he decided to bring it up.

"Did we really-"

"Yes, I believe we did," she cut in.

"But-"

"I don't think this is the proper time for this conversation Commander,"

He understood her use of rank as a way to put up a professional barrier, one that she believed should be there, and one that obviously hadn't been there just minutes ago when she was straddling him half-naked.

"Why don't you check on the bridge while I deal with the situation here,"

She was marching out the turbolift doors before he had the chance to answer.

"Yes Ma'am," he muttered.


	2. Chapter 2

"Here are the last of those reports," he handed her the padd with a gentle smile, one that faded as he noticed that she wouldn't even look his way.

"Thank you, Commander, you can just leave them there," she replied, pointing to the front of her desk, her eyes glued to the padd in her hands.

_Commander_, suddenly his own rank sounded so wrong in his ears. She hadn't used his name in over a week, she wouldn't reply to his thinly veiled attempts at flirtation, and most importantly she'd blown him off every time he'd ask her to have dinner or even a simple cup of coffee.

She finally looked up at him, in slight exasperation and asked: "Is there something else, Commander?"

"Actually yes. I want to ask what I did to deserve this?"

"Deserve what? I'm afraid I don't know what you're referring to,"

"Don't do that Kathryn, you know exactly what I'm talking about. You've been cold, distant. You won't say my name, you won't talk to me, you don't even want to look at me. I understand that what happened in the turbo lift was awkward but at some point, we need to-"

"Comm- Chakotay listen, I don't have time to talk about this right now I-"

"Then when Kathryn? Name the time and place and I'll be there, but I'm sick of being treated like this when what happened that day was not your fault or mine,"

She sighed, "You're right. I haven't been fair to you. How about a drink tonight in my quarters, twenty-one hundred hours. We'll talk about everything, but please, let's try to focus while we're on duty."

"Alright, twenty-one hundred hours...I'll hold you to that," he smirked.

"I'm sure you will," she said softly, shaking her head and glancing back down to the padd.

She worked through the rest of her shift as quickly as she could, but every time she closed her eyes she was taken back to that day. His soft lips kissing hers, then her neck, and she wanted them to go further and- 'Stop' she commanded herself.

Chakotay was right, she had been avoiding him. She was being unfair, but it wasn't out of anger, it was out of embarrassment. She couldn't look at him without fantasizing about the way he touched her; she couldn't say his name without imagining herself crying it out in pure ecstasy. She blushed practically every time he walked by, but in order to cover up her own foolish behavior, she was being rather rude to her closest friend.

She finished her work around nineteen hundred hours, leaving her enough time to go to the mess hall and grab something to eat, but by the time she arrived, she had lost her appetite. She ordered a coffee from the replicator and took a seat where she could get a good look out of the viewport.

She allowed her mind to wander for the first time all day, and to be more precise, the first time since she and Chakotay had kissed. She took this opportunity to finally ask herself 'Why?' She hadn't realized how deep her feelings for Chakotay had become. From the moment they were first stranded, he had quickly taken to the role of her first officer, anticipating her every need in an effort to make her job easier. Over time he had become more than that. It started with his smile; she'd do anything throughout the day to see a hint of his dimples. Their banter became common and comfortable, even on the bridge. Then started their dinners. Hours of intellectually stimulating conversation, laughter, and good food which was rarely her responsibility to prepare. Her mood almost always picked up in his presence; she depended on him as a friend, someone to talk to, someone to spend time with, and perhaps while she wasn't looking, it turned into something even more meaningful than friendship.

Mark, or rather the alien's version of Mark, hadn't been lying about her dreams. Most nights she thought of Chakotay, what it would be like to make love to him, the thought of which even then brought a smile to her face. She chalked it up to loneliness or the fact that as time went on intimacy seemed like a long-forgotten friend. She missed it; closeness, companionship...love. But her dreams weren't always just about sex. Many nights she'd dreamt of a life with him, one that included marriage, even children. One boy with his brown eyes and dimples and a girl with auburn hair and her mothers wit. She wanted that life, so badly in fact that sometimes that she'd wake in the middle of the night and cry realizing it was all just fantasy. Then she'd shed more tears over the guilt of wanting it to be real at all.

No, it could never work. Not when the lives of her crew were on the line every day. She couldn't compromise the command relationship if it didn't work out, and if it somehow did work out, her judgment may be clouded. Or perhaps it already was.

"I'm surprised to see you here, Captain. Isn't this the day that you're usually in the holodeck with your novel?" B'Elanna's words drew her from her thoughts. She looked up and smiled gently at the young woman as she took a seat across from her.

"I thought, after our recent experience, that I'd take a break from fantasy for a while."

"I don't blame you. I think it had quite an impact on all of us," B'Elanna took a breath and leaned on her folded hands before continuing in a more hushed tone.

"Do you think it's true? That the alien was reading our minds, creating images from our own experiences?"

"It seemed that way," Kathryn replied.

She thought back to her vision, how real it all seemed. The scent of Mark's cologne, his voice, his appearance, it was all just as she had remembered.

"He had the uncanny ability to...bring buried thoughts out into the open," Her own words made her contemplate those buried thoughts, but not wanting to be distracted she steadied herself and asked: "Why?"

B'Elanna shook her head ever so slightly, "Oh, it's just, I experienced something I'd rather not admit,"

"I know. Me too."

B'Elanna looked almost surprised at Kathryn's confession, as if she somehow believed the captain had no dark secrets, nothing to hide. She'd never know just how wrong she was.

"But, in a way, maybe he did us all a favor. Maybe it's better to look those feelings in the eye than to keep them locked up inside,"

And there it was, the advice she herself had been searching for put into her own words. Her feelings for Chakotay couldn't be avoided any longer. She couldn't keep making excuses. They needed to be dealt with, and they would be.

B'Elanna chuckled lightly.

"I guess...I'll have to think about that,"

With a blank stare, she continued "I have an early watch tomorrow, so I'd better turn in. Goodnight, Captain," B'Elanna spoke as she stood to walk away.

"Goodnight, B'Elanna. Sweet dreams."

B'Elanna stopped and turned back to face her captain once more.

"Thanks. You too," she said sincerely.

Kathryn smiled to herself, B'Elanna was another maquis crewmember who she had quickly grown attached to these past two years. She had made herself indispensable to the functioning of this ship and her crew, and slowly she thought perhaps they were developing a friendship. This was not an outcome she foresaw when first integrating the crews, but then again she hadn't foreseen falling for her XO either.

She checked the time and cursed under her breath, it was almost twenty-one hundred hours. She wasn't sure how time had passed by so quickly.

After tossing her cup into the recycler, she made her way back to her quarters. She was in the door for maybe a minute before she heard the chime.

"Come in," she called out.

He walked in with a smile and a bottle of anterian cider clutched in his left hand.

He held it up, his dimples deepening, as he said "I figured we'd want something stronger than tea or coffee for tonight's conversation,"

"You thought right," she replied with a smile.

"I'll replicate some glasses while you open the bottle." She took a deep breath as she turned to the replicator.

There was a hint of tension, as to be expected with their imminent conversation.

She walked over with the glasses in hand as he opened the bottle and, holding them out towards him, he filled them halfway with the golden liquid.

"I'm usually not at a loss for words, but I must admit...I'm not sure how or where to start on this topic," She took a sip and sat down next to him, leaving a comfortable amount of space between them.

"How about we start by agreeing that anything said tonight...won't affect our friendship, not unless we want it to," he said with a smirk.

"What are you expecting me to say tonight?" she chuckled.

"Maybe a bit of an explanation, you did attack me that day in the turbolift...not that I minded," he teased.

Her jaw nearly hit the floor.

"I atta- You cornered me, you pinned me against the wall!" she shouted with a laugh.

"That's not at all how I remember it," he shook his head.

"Well then the activities in our visions were the same but the events leading up were obviously not!"

"I am curious though...what did I say?" he asked.

"That's not important," she looked down to the glass in her hands, almost as if she were studying it, before taking another sip.

"It's important enough to make you blush," he replied with a grin.

She shook her head and drew a deep breath, and, looking into his eyes, she went ahead and told the truth.

"You said that I feel the same way about you as you feel about me. You told me not to fight it anymore,"

"Do you?" he asked.

"Do I what?"

"Have feelings for me in the same way that I have feelings for you?"

She wanted to say yes without hesitation, she wanted to tell him that she has never felt this way about another person, not even with Mark, but she couldn't. That would open up a door she wouldn't be able to close, and she wasn't ready to face what was on the other side.

"I don't think it's wise for me to answer that,"

"Why not? What are you afraid of?" his tone became more serious.

She closed her eyes for a moment to collect her thoughts. Images played through her head; losing him, losing control...losing herself. The countless ways in which this could end badly.

"Every single day out here we face danger, uncertainty... and I'm responsible for a crew of over one hundred and fifty people. I can't be distracted, I can't cloud my judgment, and getting involved with a member of my crew could influence my decisions made in high pressured situations. I might hesitate to send you on a mission because I selfishly don't want to lose you. I can't risk it,"

He moved a bit closer to her, taking her shaking hand in his and looking her in the eyes.

"I think you're quite capable of separating yourself in those situations. If you already have those feelings for me, wouldn't that hesitation already have come up in some of the situations we've been in? I don't think our close personal relationship has interfered with our professional one yet. Would acting on these feelings we share really change things so drastically?" he asked.

He was right. She already felt deeply for him and it hadn't impacted her decisions or their working relationship yet. 'No' she told herself. Having feelings and acting on them, deepening them, were two very different things. If she grew to love him, what then? She couldn't lose another person she loved, but out here they always ran the risk of losing people. So her only solution and the simplest one was not to love, but he wasn't making it easy.

"And if it doesn't work? You say it won't change our professional relationship if we're together, but what if we end things badly? What if you end up hating me and those toxic feelings come into our working relationship?"

"I can say with complete certainty that there is no possible way I could ever hate you. And I say with equal certainty that if we were to take this path, I'd fight like hell before I ever let you go,"

She looked into his eyes and saw his words for what they were; truth. She removed her hand from his and scooted away before laying her final excuse out on the table.

"I'm still engaged," she didn't need to look in his eyes to feel the twinge of pain her statement caused him.

She heard him take a deep breath.

"I know. But we may never see home again." That last phrase rang in her ears. Her demeanor went from calm, to blood-boiling anger in seconds. She stood up and put one hand on her hip while the other massaged her temple.

"So I'm just supposed to give up my hopes of ever getting home?" she said angrily.

"I didn't say that," he stood up slowly and placed a hand on her shoulder.

One look at his apologetic expression and she instantly regretted letting her anger get the best of her.

"I'm sorry...but I'm simply not ready to let go. It may be foolish...you may not agree with it, but that's just how I feel. Maybe one day, just not today,"

She looked at him, expecting annoyance, or anger, but there was only calm, even a hint of happiness.

"I understand, and I can wait," he smiled gently.

"I can't ask you to do that for me,"

"I know, but Kathryn...this is worth waiting for,"

She wasn't sure if it was a good idea but every bone in her body told her to hug him, so she listened.

"I'm sorry," she whispered as she pressed into him.

He broke their warm embrace and looked at her softly.

"What are you sorry for?"

"I just...wish things were different," she replied.

"And if they were different, what would you do then?"

"If I weren't the captain, if you weren't under my command, and I wasn't engaged….I'd probably kiss you," she spoke without thinking, her cheeks blushing at the realization of what she really just said.

"Could we pretend for a moment...that those problems don't exist. Just for a moment, and then we can go back to how it was before. I just...don't know when I'll be able to kiss you again or if I'll be able to kiss you again. I understand if you don't want to I just thought that-"

She cut him off as she leaned in close and with great reverence and tenderness, their lips joined together. She deepened the kiss ever so slightly and as if the flood gates had burst open she pulled him closer to her and parted her lips to invite his tongue.

He pulled away breathlessly.

"Kathryn, we should stop...I-"

She cut him off with another kiss.

He was right they needed to stop, no... she needed to stop. But the taste and softness of his lips and the feeling of being in his arms somehow had the ability to make her forget about everything else.

Pulling away for a moment she whispered, "I want to keep pretending,"

As their lips met again, different images flashed through her mind, ones of happiness. The thought of waking up next to him everyday, holding him each night, building a future. Suddenly her problems seemed a bit smaller, and the reasons to take this leap were growing.

Before either of them realized, they had made it to her bedroom, their lips never parting. Within the blink of an eye an hour had passed. In that hour, they'd explored each other's bodies, shouting words of love, and whispering promises of the future.

She waited a moment before rolling off of him breathless and smiling. He kissed her and then pulled the covers over their naked bodies.

"That was better than I ever could've imagined," he whispered.

She looked at the ceiling silently and then staring into his eyes she said, "I should feel guilty, or scared, but all I feel right now is...happy,"

"I'm not sure we can come back from this, Kathryn."

"I'm not sure I want to," she replied, bringing a goofy grin to both their faces.

"All of those fears I listed were real, the odds are not stacked in our favor. But, if your willing to be patient with me...I'm willing to try."

"Kathryn Janeway...I would do anything for you. You just say the word."

She smiled and ran a hand over his cheek.

"This isn't going to be easy for either of us," she said.

"The best things in life never are," he smirked.


End file.
